Space-Wolf

It happened in a few places in my life, all at once.  Which means I only noticed something that had happened, everywhere, long ago.

A potential client has been sitting on a project for months now.  He's got other business to attend to than the project in question.  I usually sit back, wait for them come to it, don't be too loud about it, maybe they want to look around at other architects, and so on.  Except this is the kind of client who doesn't beat around the bush. I called him and asked that we start the project next week, and that he not look at other architects because I wanted this job.  He agreed to my requests. He heard them as requests, but if I tell you about the words I actually said, you'd think I was a pushy dick about it.  I was.

A long time ago I only dated men who had that kind of power. I wrote a lot about that during the gym diaries. Except what was really going on is that I wanted it for myself.

Fight Cub and I had something, but in the end we chose to live our lives in our respective cities.  Los Angeles is fucking far. And it turns out I don't need a traininer partner in a lover.  I have an entire jiu jitsu school that I helped create, with powerful fighters all around, who are intimately acquainted with my physical training.  And they are intimately acquainted farther than that: they are a literal second family. My professor is like a second father, or a Brazilian uncle, from who I needed to have implicit approval of my next boyfriend before I jumped in whole hog.

At my last tournament fight, a large, international Brazilian Jiu Jitsu tournament, it came out in full force.  I was taken down immediately by a guy who was clearly a good grappler (but not as great with the gi on). He was on top, and almost submitted me.  I've been there a dozen times before, so no biggie.  I get out.  I almost sweep him, and instead of getting swept, he steps away from the fight at hand and stands up on the mat.  I get up, and it CAME OUT.  One of the samurai thought I was engraged, enough to yell out te calma, te calma Shad!.  My future boyfriend was scared of it.  But those weren't what was happening.  I felt nothing but pure power, and had stopped hiding it.  I could have ripped the guys head off at that moment.  Sensing trouble, he backed off. I came at him hard, but in full control of the nuclear reactor within, and it tickled me. And we continued our fight.

Oh, future boyfriend: I saw him in a coaching class and thought he was cute and immediately tracked him through friends and hunted him down on facebook and asked him out and did great coffee and invited him to my big supremely gay fight shortly after. I didn't know if he was for me, but I had grown weary of fucking around. After being all "not sure if we should be PDA at the tournament" on him I just hugged and kissed him immediately after my fight.  And later he copped a feel in the fighter's bullpen. I liked that. It went unnoticed except by one of the samurai and my professor's wife. (The tournament was called the New York Open.  He said "WOW.  It's really Open!".) I was comfortable being not sure for a while, while I made up my own mind, and now I'm sure.  Love.

Aaron has disappeared into the fully formed apparition he was always destined to become.  Time's spiral not only took him, making him ever-younger, progressively forgetful, and eventually just gone: he was sublimated. I became him.  I have become the crazy time-travelleing space wolf I've been writing about all this time.  I even know how to beat someone up along the way. For the first time since I began writing, nine years ago today, I face the unique difficulty that I have in fact become what I want.  My imagination's creations have simply, utterly, incredibly, been fulfilled. Now it's time to really play.

Comments

[John]

Aww how sweet it is you're in Love. I'm happy for you :)

[Paul]

I've been reading you for six or seven years and greatly appreciated the link to your earliest posts. Maturity becomes you.