Safe In A Fight

FC knew I was mad at him. He has this uncanny ability to detect it even though he lives on the other coast of this continent. He hadn't called me back about something I'll tell you about in a few lines, and I was nothing short of furious. I really needed him, and he'd let me down.

What had happened was my teacher had a surprise MMA class. Our school is BJJ only; no MMA classes. We were all surprised when the teacher (my high-energy teacher, not my jedi master yoda teacher) said we were going to learn how to use our sport Jiu Jitsu in a bar fight. I'm thinking you know, because this happens all the time! There were six of us. He grabbed me and slapped me on the shoulders a couple of times. "Hit me". As in Tyler saying I want you to hit me as hard as you can. I felt weird hitting the teacher. I felt weird hitting at all; even though I smack FC around, I've never had any formal striking training. What if I hit him wrong, or too hard? So I slapped him back on the shoulders. He said "Cmon! You gonna hit a guy like that?" This pissed me off. Sometimes I don't think he likes me because I'm gay. I mean, he doesn't know I'm gay, but sometimes he uses the f-word and we're all like that's a bad word even though I'm secretly all like cracking up and stuff. And yes, I use my valley girl voice when I think all that. Like. So angered, I said how do you want me to hit you and he said "like this, open hand" and gently palmed the side of my head one at time with open hands, right, left, right. "Cmon man, be serious". He was coming for my manhood, obviously. I said ok I got it and paused like I didn't know what to do. He saw my pause and lowered his blocking hands thinking I wasn't going to strike, what I'd paused for, and I hit him, seriously. Not enough to hurt him, but with a timing to get all three strikes in. He looked into my eyes, surprised. Then he grinned, and the look changed to delight. He'd gotten what he wanted out of me: a little bit of pure aggression.

Of course, I turned the whole thing into this big dissertation on my gay homo-ness and how I hate not being out to anyone and how this teacher secretly hates my guts. I went home feeling mixed up for the first time since I came out in 1996, and really needed my FC. He didn't get back to me for a week, and then it was "hey how have you been?" in a text message. Then I got snippy with him. FC called it "passive aggressive". Ass. I hate it when he's accurate. So he called me during the work day, and I was in the middle of something and didn't want to talk about it with other people around anyway. But I denied being angry, saying I was just occupied. We signed on to an instant message session and I told him about last week with teacher and slipped in that I was annoyed at FC for not calling me back, and I didn't want to talk about it on chat, either. He asked if I could talk in my conference room in a few minutes, on the telephone. I said I would.

What really bugged me about teacher was first that the class was an MMA class. My yoda teacher was away and I didn't know why and I was weirded out by having my classes taught by someone I didn't expect there. And we weren't doing any JJ, but this intense stuff that I was not rested for (I'd been to class the night before). And we were learning to block punch, then clinch and hold him with your head, then BAM knee him in the balls then grab his neck and throw him down while trapping his arm then put your knee on his side but don't go to ground then BAM BAM BAM hit him in the face then put him in an arm triangle and dislocate his arm and if his buddies are coming after you step on his face and get back to start position. Because this happens all the time. The blue belts were pissed, but playing along. We were paired with guys who were not our size; I was working with a guy 6'-4" and so it was near impossible to clinch him or get him from behind, another important bar fight move.

FC called; I was really polite about my annoyance, blaming it on my expectations. I was really pouring it on. "Chad, it's okay to just be angry at me. I know you're mad". And so I went off. Which looks like other people's being nice but I did let go and just tell him I couldn't count on him and why haven't I seen him in so long and when are we going to live together. He wanted me to hit him, and so I did. When I was done he hit back. I don't express my anger, I just get passive aggressive. And so on. When we were done we apologized for being buttheads and it was over. He asked me if next time I would just be straight about how I felt and I promised I would. "I called because I don't want to fuck this up" he said. Which is the exact moment, if one can ever pinpoint a moment, when I feel a deep love for him.

Of course my thesis that my teacher hates me was borne out by the facts. I could not figure out the escape-from-rear-choke move and so teacher came over and had me do it again and again with him around until I got it right. Same with the punch-clinch move. I pity the guy who comes at me with a knife from behind. And when we were all done, I said my goodbye, thanking him for the class. Before I could apologize for hitting him unexpectedly, he invited me to a dinner the school was having for the holidays. Obviously, he it really out for me. I came out to three friends at school that week because it was just time and told them about this class; they laughed and could not believe what a bonehead I was. Also, they said teacher likes it when students are aggressive; then he knows they will be safe in a fight. Which is how I feel about my first and next bar fight. Safe.

Which is how I felt when FC coached me to just be mad at him. "It's okay" he said. And he was right. It was okay. Not afraid to hit, be hit. Our relationship won't be over, and we'll come out of it closer.

Comments

[Bob]

Thanks for sharing this.

It touched me.

[sauce]

A beautiful story, all the better for the way you told it.

[slideyfoot]

Interesting. I've never trained BJJ for self-defence, but then the instructor has never attempted to add strikes into class. We'll occasionally get "escape from bear hug" or whatever, but that's it. I'd most likely be very annoyed if they ever did, like the blues in your class.

I wonder if anyone complained afterwards, or if it was just accepted as a one-off, or at least a sufficiently rare event that they could shrug it off?